walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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