Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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