Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
