Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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