and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.