Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight