i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
