my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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