If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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