i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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