guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
