I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
