I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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