The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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