i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
