you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
