M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
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Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
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The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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