Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
