All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
