I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
