ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize