had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
