Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
