found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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