I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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