I must be too annoying 4 u.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
