May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
