Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
