i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
