Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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