see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
