I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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