I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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