she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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