In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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