I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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