can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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