The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
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So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
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That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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