I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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