it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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