meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
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