Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
