she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
