Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
