Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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