I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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