Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize