i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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