Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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