I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
