my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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