Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
