Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
