so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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