yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
