fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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