I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
