i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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