He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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