I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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