Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
