Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
