The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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