I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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